Disappointment

This past Sunday I ran in my second race of the year, a local 2 mile race that is put on to support a great organization that helps troubled teenagers in our area with mental and emotional issues. The race has evolved over the years from a once highly competitive six mile to a two mile fun run and now a highly competitive two mile, drawing some of the best high school and junior college talent from our neck of the woods. And even though I won the 40-49 age group, I was extremely disappointed in my race.

The race also marked the 20th Anniversary of when I became the first person from my hometown to win this race, so I was hoping to have at least set a masters personal best to celebrate, but the prior two weeks have just been disastrous in terms of training. Between illness, work, family and very little sleep, it took just about everything I had to keep the streak going. As I age, I am founding it more and more difficult to just bounce back after being sick and other set-backs. I have just come to grips with hair sprouting out of every little crevice, now I have to be patient with returning to form in my athletic endeavors. Which has me wondering, will I ever return to form? I know I am never going to run as fast as I once did, but I can at least get into decent shape, right? I can still trim down and at least resemble a cheetah on the prowl, right? I know we runners are a bit narcissistic, but is it wrong to want to have that half-starved, castaway frame that mows down competitors like an obese slob at the Home Town Buffet? Is it wrong to want to push against the hands of time and give it the proverbial finger and shout, "Not yet! I'm not done!"? Is it wrong to still want to at least improve on what I did yesterday? And the day before?

An 11:52 is a humbling experience for a person who has gone sub 9:00 for two miles, even if it has been almost twenty years since I ran that time, it still defines how I view myself as a runner. I find it hard to look in the mirror and see the middle-aged guy stare back at me at times. He is not sub 9, sub 15 and so on anymore. I tell myself that I have come to terms with who I am and celebrate that I am 44, healthy and still enjoy one of the greatest gifts God has given me, the ability to run. But honestly, Sunday, I was disappointed. When the younger runners ran away so effortlessly and I could not even respond, I knew then, my running life has changed forever. I would be a liar, if I did not say that this cut deep into the core of my running soul.

So as I learn to be content with the shadows of who I was as a runner, I lace up and head out the door and dream of a new me and what that new aging runner might be able to accomplish. My disappointment will pass, but my love for this sport burns brighter and hotter than ever before and it is time to pound some miles. As always, stay healthy, keep running and I hope to see you at the races soon. Don't think for a moment that I am going to stop racing!